Sadly, The comparison between a child of a narcissistic parent and seeing God as a strict, legalistic parent is very fitting. Many believers may have a similar view of God, likely influenced by their upbringing or how they see their worth based on performance.

When God is seen as primarily legalistic—one whose approval hinges on our actions, achievements, or moral perfection—it creates a spiritual burden eerily akin to the child of a narcissistic parent. Such a conception leads not to freedom but to anxiety, striving, and an ever-present fear of rejection. Instead of finding rest in God’s love, the soul becomes trapped in a relentless cycle of people-pleasing and spiritual performance.

This perception can cause a person to abandon their true self in an effort to conform to what they believe God desires. Their prayers may feel like transactions, their worship like an obligation, and their relationship with God devoid of intimacy. The joy and peace that come from being unconditionally loved by the Father are eclipsed by a sense of inadequacy or failure.

However, the beauty of the gospel is that it radically confronts this misunderstanding of God. Scripture proclaims a love that is unconditional, rooted not in what we do but in who we are as His creation. Paul writes in Romans 5:8 (BSB), “But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” This is not the love of a narcissistic parent but of a Father who delights in His children, not because of their performance, but because they belong to Him.

When Jesus described the Father in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32, BSB), He shattered the notion of a God whose love is transactional. The prodigal son, having squandered everything, returns not to a legalistic or cold parent but to one who runs to embrace him, celebrating his return with joy. This is the heart of God.

For those who have lived under the shadow of conditional love, whether in family relationships or their understanding of God, there is healing in knowing the truth of His character. “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in loving devotion” (Psalm 103:8, BSB). His love invites us to abandon our striving, to cease our spiritual performances, and to rest in the assurance that we are fully known and fully loved.

To the one burdened by the wounds of conditional love: hear the words of Jesus, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28, BSB). You are not a tool to be used or a performer to be judged. You are a child to be cherished. Let His love transform your perception of Him, and in turn, your understanding of yourself.

Cross References:

• Ephesians 2:8-9 (BSB): “For it is by grace you have been saved through faith…”
• 1 John 3:1 (BSB): “Behold what manner of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God…”
• Isaiah 43:1 (BSB): “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”

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