Young. Restless. Definitely Right.
Theme: “Christ Alone (Plus Our Clarifications)”
Location: An industrial warehouse church with excellent acoustics and terrible parking
Dress Code: Dark denim, neutral flannel, boots that suggest suffering
8:00–9:00 AM — Registration & Fellowship
- Check in at the Reclaimed Wood Welcome Table
- Receive:
- Conference tote bag (Hebrew word optional)
- Program booklet (thicker than your Bible)
- Coupon for beard oil (sanctification scent)
Coffee served:
- Single-origin
- Ethically sourced
- Unnecessarily complicated
9:00–9:15 AM — Call to Worship
Led by a man who insists he is not the worship leader
- Three songs:
- One modern hymn
- One ancient hymn slowed down
- One song no one sings but everyone respects
No clapping.
Clapping suggests Arminianism.
9:15–10:30 AM — Keynote Session
“Christ Alone… But Let’s Be Precise”
Speaker:
- Author of six books explaining one paragraph of Calvin
Key emphases:
- Why everyone agrees with us almost
- Why “almost” is unacceptable
- Why this is actually a pastoral concern
Audience response:
- Nods
- Beard strokes
- Occasional whispered “mm.”
10:30–10:45 AM — Fellowship Break
- Everyone avoids eye contact with the speaker they disagreed with online
- Passive-aggressive compliments exchanged:
- “I appreciated your boldness”
- “That was… thought-provoking”
10:45 AM–12:00 PM — Breakout Sessions (Choose One)
A. “Secondary Issues That Are Definitely Primary”
How to draw lines without looking like you enjoy it
B. “Contextualization Without Becoming… Them”
How close is too close to relevance?
C. “Church Discipline: Why It’s Always Other Churches”
D. “The Gospel According to the Algorithm”
Leveraging platforms while denying you care about platforms
12:00–1:30 PM — Lunch
Food trucks parked outside:
- The Sovereign Brisket
- Total Depravity Tacos
- Five-Point Falafel
Conversation topics:
- Why no one preaches like they used to
- Why everyone preaches too long now
- Why the Spirit clearly left mainstream evangelicalism in 1998
1:30–2:30 PM — Panel Discussion
“Discerning Discernment”
Panelists:
- One pastor
- One podcaster
- One man who has never pastored but is very concerned
Questions include:
- “When should I stop listening to someone?”
- “Is it loving to warn everyone?”
- “Can you do both simultaneously and still sleep at night?”
Consensus:
- Probably
- But not publicly
2:30–3:00 PM — Coffee & Confessionals
- Confess your sins quietly
- Confess everyone else’s sins more confidently
3:00–4:15 PM — Afternoon Plenary
“Grace Alone (But Not That Kind)”
Highlights:
- Several straw men
- One real brother, unnamed
- A reminder that grace must always be protected—from misuse, misunderstanding, and joy
4:15–4:45 PM — Q&A
Questions asked:
- 3 sincere
- 7 speeches
- 12 attempts to trap the speaker
Speaker answers:
- “That’s a great question”
- “We don’t have time”
- “Let’s talk afterward” (never happens)
5:00–6:30 PM — Dinner
- Assigned seating based on theological alignment
- Eschatology tables clearly marked
- Open hostility politely disguised as charity
6:30–7:45 PM — Closing Session
“The Mission of the Church (As We Define It)”
Emphases:
- Go into all the world
- Start with your Twitter feed
- Make disciples… who think carefully
7:45–8:00 PM — Benediction
Given by the youngest pastor present
Includes:
- A quote from Augustine
- A warning
- A heartfelt plea for unity
- A subtle correction
After-Conference Activities
- Podcast episodes recorded immediately
- Blog posts titled “Some Reflections”
- Relationships strained
- Truth defended
- Feet unwashed
Final Note in the Program:
“We affirm that Christ is sufficient.
We just want to make sure everyone knows exactly how.”
Learn Christ 
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